The Goodbye I Couldn’t Say…
The pain of losing you today is unreal. The pain of being so far away and not being able to say goodbye is hitting me like a ton of bricks. That frantic and hurried phone call tore me apart. I couldn't find any words to say other than, "grandpa, I love you" in-between sobs. I wish I was able to say all that has been going through my mind the last few weeks.
As I crumbled under the weight of the most terrible news, I was surrounded by my amazing battle buddies who offered me a safe place to feel the pain. These past few weeks have been incredibly heavy, but I am so thankful that the Lord placed me in a unit full of people who love and support me, even in moments of unexplainable hurt. I know you would be proud of the family I found in the Army...
Grandpa, I wish I could've been there to hold your hand. To tell you how much I love you over and over again. You were my hero. You were everyone's hero, we would've been so lost without you. How do you even begin to say goodbye to someone who was always so strong... I wish I could've found the words sooner.
When I think of you, I can't help but be incredibly proud to have had you as my grandpa. I think I get some of my "bulletproof" mentality from you, but I hope I also got a part of your big heart. You loved unconditionally, always welcoming people in. You were both tough and sappy. You gave the best hugs out of anyone in the world... I wish I could have one from you right now. You were so forgiving, so loving, and always so silly. You always knew how to lighten the mood or even bring the whole room to silence and tears when you expressed your gratefulness. I look up to you more than you'll ever know in your faith, your love for your family, and your love for life. Your passions were contagious. I loved how I never had to wonder if you were proud of me... if you didn't say it with words, it was always written all over your face when you gave us that loving gaze.
You taught me some of the most important lessons in life. I have always admired your grateful heart, even in your moments of suffering. Your love for God has forever impacted my life, and it is something that makes me feel closest to you. I have looked up to you especially in the ways that you loved your family and your humble work ethic. You were dedicated, and you were unapologetically yourself. I miss the times you made us laugh uncontrollably, and even cry over something as simple as a hallmark commercial.
It is still hitting me in waves... part of me can't accept the fact that you are gone. I am having a hard time processing it all because I was so preoccupied with training that I didn't let myself think about it. I am really sorry... I hope you know that I wanted to be there. I hope you know that I love you more than words can express. I keep thinking about that conversation I had with you after the Best Warrior Competition and I can't believe that was the last time I had the chance to hear your voice. I find myself having conversations with you in my head, even before you passed. I miss calling you (always accidentally interrupting dinner dates with grandma) and filling you in on all of the small details of the things happening at school or in the Army. I miss you terribly.
Grandpa, I love you so much... thank you for living a beautiful life and for loving us unconditionally.
To my hero in heaven, this is the goodbye that I didn't get to say...
Love you so much,
Hannah Mae
